A letter received from a reader of Scourge: The Demise of Critical Thinking in the Age of Donald Trump.
My awakening to the crazy world of self help and recovery from its vice like grip occurred after a quite fantastical and unique experience. One thing I have learned is that you cannot download anyone else’s ‘system’ or ‘process’ and make it work for you. I think you need to pick through each person’s life experiences for the wool to weave your own tapestry. Certainly with the money, time, energy and hopes invested in other people’s ego creations I could have weaved the Bayeux and then some!!!
What I can say though is that in a bid to understand my
abusive childhood and how different I appeared to be from my family I embarked
upon a 20 year quest to understand who and what I was. Yes, I fell, hook, line
and sinker for the self help and personal development game.
More recently, over
the last 10 years I have stuffed myself silly with Law of Attraction (LoA) type
teachings that mainly block out anything negative or ‘not of the light’ and
thus, have given my power away more or less to anyone with a cheering claim or
nice smile. Then, even worse I started
creating courses and taught them to other unsuspecting fools. Cringe worthy
stuff called how to be happy and living the attitude of gratitude…(spewing into
a bucket).
Yes, I was a spiritual prostitute except that I paid to turn
tricks. God, put like that it is embarrassing and hysterical in equal measure.
Then, a catastrophe of epic proportions that turned all of
the LOA stuff on its head, inside out and doing somersaults occurred!!!!
It would fill a book and then some and perhaps one day I will
come across someone who wants to take it on. Certainly NBC Dateline wanted to
make a 2 hour documentary around events that led from my catastrophe….
Well, your wondering what it was, aren’t you? Mmmmmm how to
encapsulate the magnitude in a few paragraphs… (deep breath).
Essentially I met a psychopath (probably the physical
manifestation of all the repressed and ignored negativity and blocked out
critical thinking from the last 10 ‘positive’ years!!!).
I sunk every penny into a series of businesses with him, got
into a hellish personal relationship with him that involved every kind of abuse
and threats etc, helplessly watched him systematically destroy several other
people and then once I had withdrawn from him and the businesses despite what
was on the line (everything material I had) – saw him flee the UK leaving a
quagmire of 103 serious problems that escalated into near bankruptcy, over 50
threatened court actions, insurance issues, tremendous weight gain and the utter
desecration of everything I believed in. I was massively affected – physically,
mentally, emotionally, sexually, financially and spiritually.
Essentially ‘I’ ceased to exist. I became a recluse, stayed
away from everyone and everything except what I could not possibly avoid,
stopped going out, answering the phone, showering, getting dressed. The only
respite from the fireball of pain and stress engulfing EVERY facet of my life
was the safety net of suicide. I knew I could kill myself. I longed for absolute annihilation! I didn’t
just think it, I investigated the subject, formed a plan and came seconds away
from carrying it out several times – stopped only by my love for my cats and
who would care for them?
Without a doubt the worst aspect of all of the above was the
belief I had created and attracted it. I spent nearly a year on a wild goose
chase torturing myself further by trying to work out why and how a lifetime of
positive thoughts and actions had created a monster and a monstrous situation
that took 2 years hard time to resolve and was so permanently life changing…
There wasn’t any answers other than the LoA was either horse
shit or used wrongly could be disastrous.
I stumbled upon your book which helped as it showed all the
guru’s in meltdowns of their own, and I started looking at the shadow stuff
that was all around me. For 8 months I delighted in oozing out every shred of
anger and negative energy that had long been encased in the basement of my
psyche until one day I realised that negative energy was not better or worse
than its opposite - just different and that both are required for a reasonably
happy existence. Duh…
I knew I was in recovery when my critical thinking skills
began to creak into action again and I started reading novels (!!!). I have
emerged back out into the sunlight but armed with self reliance that life goes
up and down and around and around and ‘this too shall pass…’
Having been kicked out of society I feel quite content to
potter around doing not very much. I take each moment as it comes. I delight in
the joy that flows out of simple things but at the same time when I feel
enraged or angry or pissed off I beat up my pouf fee and enjoy that just as
much as all the smiling.
I am content to not know who/what is behind everything and to
surrender to whatever pulled me through. Forgiveness has and is helping me with
all that happened – even the near murderous hatred I feel towards lawyers
(laughing).
Footnote: My former business partner Michael
Lane went on to murder a woman in a particularly gruesome way and then tried
to run over and kill a transsexual in the dead woman’s car. He is currently in
Clark County Detention Centre, Vegas (where else?!) awaiting trial and possible
death penalty next year.
Mmmmm not sure any of this would help anyone. There may be a
few ears of corn if you pick through… (raucous giggles).
Hope all in your world is dark and light!!!!
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